Alone

Alone
Waiting for a ring
Waiting with my phone
I'm crippled with out my phone
Cut off
Alone
Stranded
But I wait with it in hand
A text
A call
Something will come
But it's not
She can't speak
She can't move
She was muttering jibberish
Studderings that did not fit context
She said yes then no
Then threw a punch
A loose fist
No strength
A thin arm
Too thin
Skin hanging as long sheets on a chair
She is bleeding
We can't help her
She can't tell us what's wrong
I have to leave her side
I have to go
I'm bound by obligations
Obligated to stuff
Silly stuff
Useless stuff
Stuff I felt I needed but knew I didn't
So I go
Before I walk away
I lean over her
I hope she can understand
I'm leaving
I've got to go back to Utah
Get out of the way
Move damn it
Talk sweety sweety to me shit
Her eyes closed
Still bleeding
Mom I've got to go back home
I'm leaving
Silence
I love you mom
I... love you
Barely a breath
Less than a wisper
But decernable
I kissed her
Kissed her sunken cheek
Her blue lips
Her closed eyes
She loves me
She loves me
She really does
I'm home
Reality
Friends rally around me
Support me
Destract me
It's hard but it's harder for dad
Don't want to be selfish
Don't want attention from family
Don't want to be weak in thier lives
I'll be strong in their lives
In my friends lives I am weak
I cry in the dark
In my room
They destract me
They are gone
Places to be things to do
They are all gone
I'm allone
I go see the girl
She sits
Poorly lit room
Watching comedy
To destract the girl no doubt
Excapism
I choose not to excape
I'll write it down
Re live it
Rub salt in it
Pick at it
But let the family think I'm ok
Be steady in their lives
Not upset
For the girl I am cold
It's too much
This too
Is it important
Isn't it
I want it
I miss the girl
I feel I need the girl
But is the girl there
Or is the girl one sided
Is the girl thinking of me
Is the girl thinking of mom
Does the girl try
The girl said she is trying
But still the girl pushes
Even now
The girl will not let go
Is the girl afraid to let me go
Is the girl sad
The girl sits
The TV is on
The girl is sitting
I come in and the girl sits
Watching comedy
Am I selfish
Is the girl selfish
We are all selfish
We can be selfless from time to time
I need a friend
I have none here
This place is home and I have no one
No one to love me
No friend
The girl will hold me
The girl does not want to be my friend
The girl does not like my friendship
The girl is leaving
I am leaving
I am leaving
I am leaving
I need to get back
Back to where I am loved
Where I am held as a friend
Safty and affection with no stipulation
No expectation
No game
No tugging
No prodding
No pressure
It is low
It is unimportant
One is a permanent loss
One is a temporary unpleasantness
Unpleasantness I can't cope with
Not now
It's not about the girl
Life is not about a girl
It's about her
She is everything
She is mine
She loves me
In her darkest days she loves me
Unaware she loves me
Confused and angry she loves me
No one will love me the same
No girl will meet her again
I have no room for girls
I have no life for girls
I am strong for family
Happy
Jovial even
But can't do it for friends
Don't want to
Don't need to
She loves me
My heart is full
She says it
She is leaving
Half gone already
Half way down the hall
The great hall
With tapisties and pillors
Windows and stones
Light and shadow
She is half way gone
Hardly recognized 
Face has changed
Hands have changed
Voice has shanged
Laugh has changed
But she loves me
And I'm alone
Alone at home
I am alone waiting with my phone
They will call or text
And I will know
She will have left
Down the hall
Far far away
Hidden
Gone
Alone